Control

This past week has been some trying times, not only in my walk with God, but also in my relationships too. With the events of this past week reminded me today of what happens when we try to force things to happen.

As I was driving I began to think about when I was younger. 12 I think. I had purchased this model train to put together. See, I loved putting models together growing up. It is what my uncles did and I got to help them, so the desire was passing onto me. Well this particular model was giving me some trouble. I was trying to get the engine and the wood car to connect. For some reason they were not connecting. I was getting angry at every attempt, and at every attempt I failed. I at one time threw the car across the room, and went and picked it up, and tried again.Well when that attempt failed, I simply put the train down and went to bed discussed.

The next morning I woke up and took the train and car to my stepfather for him to put it together. He should be able to do it. He is much older than I, and he just might have that touch to connect the two together solving my problem that caused my outburst of anger and inpatients. He looked at it and attempted to join the two cars together, but failed also. He then pointed out to me that the hitch that joined the two together was broken, and that it was not fixable. So I investigated the problem. I went to check out the very area where I threw the car at, and there I found the piece that was needed to join the two cars together. Out of my anger and trying to force the the two cars together the wrong way, I ended up breaking the train.

Looking back on that I can see that if I would have sat the train down the first time at failure and took to the much wiser stepfather, he could have put it together, and I would have had a complete train, but my forcing the two together only ended up ruining it.

As I thought of this I began to see how my current issue with school was happening. Financial Aid had told me that they would not be able to process my student loan application until the end of September. I was getting worried, and angry over this. I have goals and dreams to fulfill, and they are standing in the way of them. I have mission work to do.

Trying to find reason in all of this, I was making myself sick. Emailing and talking to people who I think could help, but only finding none. Could there be a bigger picture in all of this? Could God be leading me a different direction? What was it that I could not see? Why was I feeling like the failure when it was out of my hands?

So looking at the situation I would try harder to control the situation. Anyways, it was my future in the balance here, and with just two semesters left I could not just stop now. I have to finish. So I emailed a newspaper editor who was looking for stories such as mine. After I sent the story, I did not feel justified, but only discussed at my attempt to control what was out of my control. So I prayed asking God to help me. I went for a run, and on my way to the park I thought of the story above, and one of my pastors I emailed. I had seen how I was trying to control the situation out of desperation and anger. Somehow God began to get through to me. I began to see that by me forcing the situation, in the end I was not going to be happy with the outcome, and having a, (I wish I could turn back time) moment.

I have been reminded of the scripture of Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
and His promise of Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Letting this go has brought joy to look into the future knowing that He who holds it has predestine me for it.